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A Geeks Guide to the Inevitable Alien Apocalypse

2012 was the biggest disaster flop since Y2K; it did, however, prove two things:

1) The Mayans are either liars or they played the biggest game of “up yours, people of the future” in history.

2) We do just fine without John Cusack saving our asses.

Now that the dread that was 2012 has come and gone, we have nothing left to fear… Or do we? Well, if you listen to the Internet, certain conspiracy theorists, and at times – our own media – the answer is “yes” with a capital Y-E-S. If I were a more rational person, I’d laugh off the apocalypse and fear actual terrifying things (like spiders, the IRS, and sex robots).

Loooooooove me!
Loooooooove me!

Fortunately, I’m not very rational when it comes to fearing the end of mankind, especially when it comes to aliens. That’s right…aliens: bug-eyed intergalactic jerks, cruising around in silver bowls of pure evil, probing anything with a pulse and flaunting their unisexual jumpsuits and superior technology.

Take that Playstation 4!
Take that Playstation 4!

But surely there’s more than one type of alien that could arrive and destroy us, right? Well that’s the good news, there are! Let’s meet our two most logical conquerors.

The Greys: as seen in Fire In The Sky, The Fourth Kind

Funded solely by merchandise sales from Hot Topic.
Funded solely by merchandise sales from Hot Topic.

The Greys are your bottom of the barrel, stereotypical alien. They have the wide, owl-like eyes, flying saucers, and enjoy kidnapping overweight people from middle America. The Greys were popularized by the recounted tales of famed abductees Travis Walton and Barney Hill.

What the hell do they want?

Sadly to say, no one knows for sure. A common belief is that Greys work for more sinister beings and are simply mining the human genome to create hybrids (it’s kind of the exact plot of the X-Files).

Why should we be afraid?

There are many reasons to be fearful of the Greys. The primary reason is the sheer number of cases describing these fuckers. One of the most famous cases involved a South African school where over two dozen children went on record describing a meeting with a being such as this. The Ariel School Incident, recorded by John Mack, has some of the most chilling accounts of Greys in history. A recent documentary caught up with the children in adulthood and what they say now is just as freaky.

Another reason to be fearful of the Greys is that they’ve been in our history since the dawn of man. Besides that fact that numerous cave paintings and biblical art reference Greys, the US government (who will be mentioned quite often) as well as the Nazis seem to have connections with these things.

Meet EBE 1: The last survivor of the Roswell crash. This chilling  “interview” is suspected of being some of the only actual alien footage around and inspired a similar interrogation scene in one of the early trailers for District 9.

Odds they show up: 10-1. If the Greys were gonna show, the London Olympics were the place to do it. There were numerous ads run before the Olympics that had a very alien feel; hell, the whole show felt alien.

They took the silver in anal probing.
They took the silver in anal probing.

The Reptilians: As seen in your nightmares.

 

It's like V, but way crazier and with a better plot.
It’s like V, but way crazier and with a better plot.

The Reptilians are the most prominent creatures in both history and modern conspiracy circles.  Reptilians are attributed to the Jinn, The Bogeyman, ancient gods, and so much more. They are the lynchpin of sorts as far as conspiracy theories of an esoteric nature are concerned. David Icke, Jordan Maxwell, Zecharia Sitchin, and many more have spent years researching and “exposing” the Reptilian Agenda.

What the hell do they want?

They want to destroy and enslave us. Allow me to escort you down the rabbit hole.

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It’s nearly impossible to mention Reptilians without going into a long rant regarding the Anunnaki, the Illuminati, The Mothers Of Darkness, The Battle Of The Dulce Base, Arizona Wilder, Phil Schneider, and so much more (follow the links, but don’t blame me if you do). The Reptilians are a shapeshifting race of beings either from beyond the stars or from the bowels of the earth. They live in underground bases and many politicians and world leaders have either been compromised by them or are, in theory, shapeshifters themselves. The most famous is reported to be Queen Elizabeth. The Reptilians and The Illuminati are responsible for global assassinations and ritual killings, chaos, and general horror. They want nothing more than to be our masters and see humanity grovel and die at our feet.

Why should we be afraid?

They’re shapeshifting reptiles who may have compromised every government on earth. Oh, and they’re also the gods and demons of old, as well as the source of most myths and legends. Need any more reasons?

Odds they show up: 5-1. I wear a tinfoil hat proudly, and quite frankly, if any aliens are going to destroy us, these are the guys.

So what the hell do we do?

I’m not sure to be honest. An alien apocalypse is terrifying to say the least. One thing I know is that it didn’t happen in 2013, or any year before, so 2014 might finally be the year humanity is doomed. So there’s that. Maybe nothing will happen and the whole thing is bullshit. Like I said, I don’t know, but I’m going to watch that Ariel School video again and not sleep for a week.

The Author

Ricky Laprade

Ricky Laprade

Comic Book/ Graphic Novel & Screenwriter. Movie Director. Former writer @ Cakemix Studios (@HasbroNews). Contributing Writer @Agentsofgeek. Batman, AD&D & Dark Tower fanatic. Phenomenal Mrs. PacMan player.

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