Video Games

Top 5 Pokémon It Would Suck To Be

I think it’s safe to say that I am a pretty big Pokémon fan. I grew up right when Pokémon Red and Blue were released, and right before the US anime series. I also was in elementary school at the time, so it makes sense. Pokémania was just about to begin, and I was totally in. When I say I was totally in, I mean I was completely insane about it.

A three to four pack a day kinda kid, a pack of Pokémon cards that is. I had every VHS (remember those!? no? alright moving on..) you could own and every game as well. I was upset with my sister when she traded my Charizard card for a Japanese Psyduck card, and I watched Pokémon the First Movie the day it came to theaters.

Somewhere in the years though, I lost my way. I don’t follow Pokémon as I used to, I play the games, but usually stop because I’ve done this before. Also, and more so the point of this list, the new Pokémon that were presented in the new games got pretty ridiculous, and there is just way too many now. 718 to be exact, and I also started to feel bad for them. Pokémon were coming out that when I saw them I would think “why in the world would I want this terrible weird creature”.

If someone said that about me I’d feel bad. So with that, I’m sorry Pokémon, but here’s my list of the top 5 Pokémon it would suck to be

5. Magikarp
Why does this Pokémon suck?: It would suck to be Magikarp because what’s worse than being a fish out of water? Oh your only attack is splash? Cool, too bad most battles take place on land which renders splash useless. Also, what the hell? I know for a fact there were regular fish in that aquarium in the cerulean gym, has Ash’s whole life been a lie?

Why it would suck to be Magikarp: Does anyone even care about this Pokémon? I have never once heard someone say their favorite Pokémon was Magikarp. Yeah, I know Magikarp evolves into the super cool looking Gyrados but, it doesn’t help that that doesn’t happen until Level 20. It’s hard enough getting Magikarp there and then you’re still stuck with lame ass tackle and splash.

4. Vanillite
Why does this Pokémon suck?: Look, just take a look at him. He’s a damn ice cream cone! I don’t know when, but at some point it seems that Pokemon got less and less creative. Why they became so bland is beyond me, but they definitely got worse as time has gone on.

Why it would suck to be Vanillite: Let’s face it, no one wants to be an ice cream cone, why would you? If you do, congratulations! You’re a weirdo.

3. Stunfisk
Why does this Pokémon suck?: What in the world is this? Is it like a jellyfish? I mean, it’s got fish like features, but it doesn’t look like any fish I have seen. Is that a beak? What’s up with your eyes? They pierce into my soul making me feel unpleasent.. Can I go home now before my nightmares continue?

Why it would suck to be Stunfisk:
Because one, his name is Stunfisk, he has dumb attacks, and a stupid face. Such a stupid face! A face that looks deep into your soul and haunts your life. Plus it looks like he smells funny.

2. Luvdisc
Why does this Pokémon suck?: Well, what are you Luvdisc? A disc of love? I don’t get you, you also look like you may have some type of evil motives. Are you gonna kill me in my sleep for talking about you? You’re gonna kill me in my sleep aren’t you? Well.. R.I.P. me, death by Luvdisc

Why it would suck to be Luvdisc: You can’t cuddle a disc, I mean, I guess you could. It might break though. Again I just don’t understand the idea of Luvdisc. Nor do I know anyone who cares for this worthless Pokémon. Dang, now I feel bad. I’m sorry Luvdisc.

1. Trubbish
Why does this Pokémon suck?: Trubbish is garbage. No, literally he’s garbage. He’s a dumb old bag of garbage! What the hell!? Can you imagine the conversation that lead to Trubbish’s creation? I think it went a little something like this..
“Hey so, I got a new idea for a Pokémon.” “Oh yeah? What’s that? Better be something kids will love!” “It’s a bag of garbage, but he’s got a cute face.” “PUT IT IN THE GAME!” “Just puttin’ it!”

Why it would suck to be this Pokémon: Again, he’s garbage. To be honest though, I do have a soft spot for Trubbish, I think it’s mostly that I feel bad that the creators put zero effort into making him. Poor guy.

The Author

Johnny Ketchum

Johnny Ketchum

Writer and content creator from Denver Colorado, mostly knowledgable in the realm of retro video games he also creates music and music mixes.

Previous post

New DC Bombshell Prints for Zatanna and Katana

Next post

HONEYMOON - Minimal Spoiler Review